Benign to Five on obliterating wank language

“It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.”

At least that’s what the character Syme from George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four reckons. Syme is a contributor to the Party’s dictionary of Newspeak, the language that will eventually replace standard English, and admits to the protagonist, Winston Smith, that he relishes destroying words.

Of course, Orwell meant Syme’s words to be taken as outrageous sacrilege by his readers. I, however, was recently inspired by them.

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Benign to Five on knowing when to fold ’em

Fishslice1

Fishslice1” by Original uploader was Jcvamp at en.wikipedia (Original text : FreeDigitalPhotos.net) Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.


Is there a more frustrating end to a conversation than “get over it?” Possibly “whatever” or a massive expulsion of wind, but it’s a close-run thing. “Get over it” is a favourite of fuckwits the English-speaking world over, a way of losing an argument without technically losing an argument.

If you’ve ever been told to “build a bridge”, “move on” or “harden up”, this column is dedicated to you.

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My email to Margaret Court

by Haught 9 Comments

Gay marriage. It’s died down completely as an issue since I wrote this letter to Margaret Court earlier in the year, but I thought I’d post it just for shits and giggles.

I don’t know what shits have to do with giggles. Do you? Margaret Court almost certainly does and I deeply regret not asking her what the shits/giggles link is in the below email to her.

Indeed, Margaret knows many things, including that “Australia is on a steep moral decline” and that “Minorities are now making it harder for the majority.”

I recommend reading Margaret’s Herald-Sun magnum opus from January before getting to my frippery:

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Benign to Five on dealing with difficult people

Difficult people are a dime a dozen, aren’t they? That’s less than one cent each, and still you’re probably paying too much.

People who use words like “douche” and “awesome” are difficult. People who speak loudly on trams are difficult. People who own Chapel Street bars are difficult. Shiny faced, purveyors of anger with persecution complexes are difficult. Wealthy people who say things like “If only I had that much money” are difficult. A majority of people are difficult.

So when the opportunity arose to attend a training course in learning how to deal with them, I screamed “You beauty!” in a stranger’s face and threw my coffee in the air. It probably landed on someone – I don’t really know.

Anyway, after I’d done the course, I wrote a column about it:

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Yet more erotic fiction

I’d like to begin this post with an apology. Sorry to everyone whose lives have been transformed by my erotic fiction and who have recently been without their newfound lifeblood.

(And if your life hasn’t yet been changed for the wetter:

Why has it been so long between drinks (or should I say Tequila shots?). Well, the truthful answer is that I was arousing myself so much with my words that I was starting to fear for my own wellbeing. That may sound like I’m self-satisfied, and that’s because I am. Hourly when I’m writing Cold Tequila Comfort. Which is precisely the problem.

Anyway, I’ve settled right down, and I’m going to give it another crack. If things get messy again, it may well be the last time Brunden, Broxell, Davis and the female characters (whose names all escape me just at the moment) grace the pages of this blog.

Read. Savour. Get sticky.… Read the rest

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The Haught guide to “learnings”

Image: Ben Tyers, 2014

by Haught 7 Comments

When you’re feeling vulnerable and confused… when the world has got you down and you don’t know what to do next… when you suddenly feel yourself bereft of hope, paddling urgently to keep your head above life’s roiling waters… who do you turn to?

Your parents? Your siblings? Your partner?

I went with three of Australia’s largest cigarette companies:

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Where have all the Grape Men gone?

Where the Grape Men would be if they were around any more

I get asked a lot of questions while on tour, during international literary festivals and in the bath with groupies. Some of the most common include “Was that really an okapi?”, “Will you take off your mask?”, “What’s Sam Marshall really like? and “Whatever happened to those nice Grape Men?”

The answers, in order, are

“Yes, and it was eating a daikon.”

“I wouldn’t be much of a superhero if I just took off my mask willy nilly, would I.”

“A delightful fellow with a predilection for fine vodka.”

And, as for the Grape Men, well, that’s a slightly longer story.

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The Pat Raw Chronicles

© Fonee | Stock Free Images

Over the last few months, a legend has been born.

If you ‘like’ Haught on Facebook you might already know him as Pat Raw.

If not, you can find out why ‘Pat’, why ‘Raw’ and why he’s a full-blown phenomenon below.  It’s a collection of the mobile Facebook posts I’ve been recently making while on the tram to work.

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