Pat Raw: The Musical

by Haught 1 Comment

TramThe last installment of the Pat Raw Chronicles ended with Haught fan Julianne Rice suggesting that it was “only a matter of time before Agatha stands and sings a melancholic solo after which her fellow commuters will leap to their feet in an energetic choral and acrobatic display. Pat Raw: The Musical.”

This inspired me. It inspired me even more than my own erotic fiction inspires me. It inspired me more than watching 1990s Bush Tucker Man inspires me. It inspired me more than steam trains on trestle bridges inspire me.

So I wrote a song for Agatha, based on a song from Les Miserables. I posted it on Facebook and then about seven seconds later the  excessively talented Kristy McKenzie sent me her version. Anyway, see and hear for yourself…


The Pat Raw Chronicles (cont’d)

Koala PatIf you’re new to Haught and haven’t yet got onto the official Haught Facebook page, you might not know who Pat Raw is. This makes you either very fortunate or very unfortunate, depending on how much you enjoy hearing about others’ bowel movements, D-grade sporting achievements and sex lives.

You can find out all about him by having a squizz at my introduction to Pat from August.

If you are familiar with Pat, but haven’t been keeping up with his latest hijinks, here are the highlights from August til the end of November, taken directly from Facebook:


The Marshall Plan

A great injustice is taking place as you read this.

Sam Marshall – the man who single-handedly turned Haught from an amusing, enlightening, superbly-written but mostly unknown blog into the world’s most trusted source of news, opinion, erotica, relationship and career advice, digital literature, sporting commentary, public transport policy discussion and Grape Men updates – is without work.


The Australian President’s real speech

Last week Barack Obama was re-elected as the Prime Minister of the Uniting States of America. This caused a great deal of anger among a certain section of US society, many members of which discovered for the first time that other countries existed outside their own and that some of these foreign nations now seemed more desirable than their native land.

Some vowed to leave America to escape Obama’s communist tentacles. A large percentage of these would-be emigres decided on Australia, in many cases because they’d read this speech by Australian President Julia Gillard.

However, everyone knows that speech is a hoax. No leader of Australia would ever be so obnoxiously provocative and appallingly undiplomatic.


The Haught guide to “journeys”

I don’t ask much from you, dear reader, so when I tell you today that I have a task for you, I’d appreciate it if you take it seriously, complete it assiduously and then report back in detail on your findings.

Here’s the task. After reading this article, keep in mind the word “journey” and take note of every time someone uses it in the non-going-for-a-long-walk-holding-a-crooked-piece-of-wood sense.

My hypothesis is that you’ll hear it around three thousand times every four hours.


Resuming normal transmission

Haught hasn’t been running at full capacity recently.

I first knew there was a problem when my daily visitor stats dropped radically. Where once I was getting 3.45 billion visits a day, now I was getting a measly 1.98 billion.

I then started getting emails – up to 9000 a day – asking me whether I’d stopped Haughting. That was ironic, because the whole problem, apparently came from the fact that people weren’t receiving emails from me.

Turns out anyone who’s subscribed to Haught by email (in the “STAY HAUGHTED’ section on the right hand side of the blog) almost certainly hasn’t received a notification email in more than a month.

I have it on good authority that the problem has been fixed, or “solutioned” as some fuckwits say these days.

So this is a little post to say I’m still alive, I’m still riotously funny and here’s what you might have missed:


The Haught guide to work farewells


While in Barcelona, I once hid in a lavatory to avoid dancing.

The Contiki Tour I was on took us to a Flamenco bar and it became clear that, after dinner, each member of the tour would have to get up and dance with a proper Spanish Flamenco master (or mistress). The members of the group with natural rhythm fared OK, but then a bloke who went by the name of The Dazzler got up and made a complete fool of himself, approaching his partner as if she was covered head to toe in bedsores and dancing like he was covered head to toe in the sort of sunburn I thought only existed in the 1980s.

I watched for 90 seconds, realised that despite looking like a malfunctioning robot in a 1960s science fiction show – one whose flailing arms are made from corrugated tubing – he was a far more accomplished dancer than me, and fled to the toilets.

What’s that got to do with work goodbyes?


Benign to Five on obliterating wank language

“It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.”

At least that’s what the character Syme from George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four reckons. Syme is a contributor to the Party’s dictionary of Newspeak, the language that will eventually replace standard English, and admits to the protagonist, Winston Smith, that he relishes destroying words.

Of course, Orwell meant Syme’s words to be taken as outrageous sacrilege by his readers. I, however, was recently inspired by them.


Benign to Five on knowing when to fold ’em


Fishslice1” by Original uploader was Jcvamp at en.wikipedia (Original text : Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Is there a more frustrating end to a conversation than “get over it?” Possibly “whatever” or a massive expulsion of wind, but it’s a close-run thing. “Get over it” is a favourite of fuckwits the English-speaking world over, a way of losing an argument without technically losing an argument.

If you’ve ever been told to “build a bridge”, “move on” or “harden up”, this column is dedicated to you.