My email to the National Rifle Association

by Haught 1 Comment

NRA]

G’day National Rifle Association,

I’m writing to you because I feel a great injustice is being perpetrated against you by my compatriots.

You see, I live in Australia. As you now well know, in 1996 the Prime Minister of Australia responded to a massacre in which a man murdered 35 people using semi-automatic weapons by implementing the National Firearms Agreement, which broadly restricted citizens’ use of a particular range of guns. As you also know, whenever someone goes on a gun rampage in the United States, people begin to discuss gun control and point to Australia as a radiant example of the good that can come of a government depriving the public of a right to bear certain arms.

Indeed, most Australians are extremely proud of the fact our country hasn’t had a case of gun-related multiple murder since the Agreement was introduced. Some Australians even mock the United States, and your organisation particularly, for your intransigent attitude and your preoccupation with the Second Amendment to your Constitution.

They use appalling terms like “psychotically and sickeningly deranged loons”, “miscreant black-hats of yesteryear”, “exemplars of deluded God-fearing America”, “pump action degenerates”, “constitutional terrorists and derelicts who use propaganda to hold a country hostage via a corrupt political system”, “trigger-happy shit pouches”, “powder-stick clutching codgers”, “belligerent dickbiscuits”, “arsey cunt-wibbles”, “a mass indistinguishable from the contents of a one year old’s nappy after consumption of half a kilo of sultanas”, “toxic, turgid cloacas of the apocalypse”, “suburban frontiersmen open carrying in McDonalds”, “anal swabs from the last leper in hell”, “obdurate brittledicks”, “a group of self-proclaimed realists obsessed with an imaginary deity and 220 year-old laws”, “antiquated redcoat-fighting wannabes”, “hooting, honking sociopaths”, “gun rooting fanatics”, “a giant group of old men grasping at their last vestiges of virility”, “shamelessly insensitive arse spores”, “the dregs of humanity, hiding their sexual repression behind camouflage and standard issue goatees”, “the rotting barnacles of humanity”, “shitcunts” and so on and so forth.… Read the rest

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The Murphy’s Law truth about your Year 12 results

Year 12 results

In 2015, VTAC took the romantic step of offering students their VCE scores via SMS, email, traditional mail and loom.

Murphy’s Law states that “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong” but there are hundreds of sub-laws and corollaries that sit underneath it. Murphy’s Constant, for example, says “Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value”.

Catherine Armitage wrote about Murphy’s law in the Sydney Morning Herald last year and mentioned two more: Muphry’s Law – “If you write anything criticising editing or proofreading, there will be a fault in what you have written.” (Ain’t that the truth.) And Etorre’s Observation – “If you change queues, the queue you just left will start moving faster”.

I have another one for you, a distant cousin to Etorre’s Observation. It concerns Year 12 results.… Read the rest

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The Haught guide to inadvertent plagiarism


Curly Wiseguy

I had one of those abject moments of deflation last year. You know the ones: they came just after you realise a piece of your work – or the concept behind it – which you’d considered original in the most pristine sense, has been done before?

OK, to be fair “in the most pristine sense” is a bit of an exaggeration. I knew that mocking and denouncing corporate malarkey was, by the rules of human nature, almost as old as corporate malarkey itself. But I thought everyone was off in their own corners ridiculing and railing against their own bug-bears: the ubiquity and omnipotence of “brand”, the impenetrability of “agile”, the absurdity of the tiny list of words that go into most corporate mission statements…

…I was wrong. 

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The Haught guide to “downsizing”

Downsizing virabbits
Euphemisms are like rabbits. Actually, they’re like viruses. Oh, let’s just say they’re like virus-rabbit hybrids. Virabbits.

They’re small and fluffy and sometimes even comforting to be around (don’t tell me you haven’t ever wished you could stroke a little grey euphemism’s ears). For this reason, people underestimate them and the next thing they know they’ve spread with astounding speed and they’re everywhere.

Euphemisms are also very good at mutating. Just when you think you’ve become immune to one, a new strain emerges.

Take the euphemism ‘downsizing’, for example. … Read the rest

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The Haught guide to Jehovah’s Witnesses

Baby wildebeest FINAL

Years before I became a worldly, cynical and wildly popular blogger, Jehovah’s Witnesses preyed on me like I was a baby wildebeest with polio who’d been isolated from the herd and was click-clacking around the savannah in ill-fitting wildebeest calipers.

What started with polite questions about my beliefs, turned into requests for me to read passages from their Bible on my doorstep, to do “a little Truth Jig” as one of them played a ukulele and, once even, to sing a country and western song called “You’re transfusin’ for a bruisin’”. Naive and meek, I duly acceded to every one.… Read the rest

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The Haught guide to lying

Shark liar

There’s an old saying in the job interview game: ‘He who lies in afternoon gets the job in the morning.’

Lying during job interviews is now par for the course. Well, it might be par. It might also be an excellent sub par round, replete with stupendously stylish trousers and a hole-out eagle from a fairway bunker with a five iron. It might even be a round so bad you miss the metaphorical cut. It all depends on how well you fib. The point is, everyone does it.… Read the rest

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The Haught guide to competition

Disemboweling

Competition is to the 21st century as television was to the 20th century, whale oil to the 19th century and magic to all the centuries before that. It’s a pan-continental, pan-cultural panacea.

Need better mobile phone services? Competition. Looking for a better run rail system? Competition. Desire better healthcare? Competition. Want to engender in your infant a love of efficiency and respect for social darwinism? Competition. And the more fierce the competition the better, particularly between individuals.

With these facts in mind it probably seems appropriate that I apologise for not having until now recommended being viciously competitive as a way of getting ahead in your career. But I’m not sorry, because remorsefulness and competitiveness are like cigarettes and spirulina smoothies – there’s no point doing one if you’re going to do the other.… Read the rest

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My email to Melburnians

by Haught 0 Comments
640px-Melbourne_Skyline_and_Princes_Bridge_-_Dec_2008

“Melbourne Skyline and Princes Bridge” by Diliff – Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Commons

Dear Melburnians,

I’m writing to you to express my abject disgust at what you have done today.

How dare you take to the streets – and to the gutter that is social media – and bring to a humiliating stop a perfectly legitimate operation with a name inexplicably taken from World War II involving a paramilitary entity blessed by at least one god and which at one stage had one of the greatest corporate logos known to humankind.

You bastards. Read the rest

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