My email to Microsoft

My email to microsoft

Recently, Microsoft realised “oops – we desperately need to give the arse to many many thousands of employees”. Last week, they left the job of telling these people to a man by the name of Stephen Elop, the Vice-President of Microsoft Devices & Services.

The email he wrote to staff was 1113 words and 14 paragraphs long and, when it became public, received much negative media attention. You can read it here (but set aside a good ten to twelve hours):

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I decided I’d drop him an electronic line.… Read the rest

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My email to Woolworths

by Haught 3 Comments

Woolworths survey

People sometimes ask me whether I really send the emails I publish on Haught to the people and companies they’re addressed to. I assure them, and can assure you now (seriously, for a change), that I always do.

In the case of the email below, though, it was easier said than done.

I tried sending it using the online ‘feedback form’ – and got an error message not once, but six times. It finally struck me that the email (and my non-sarcastic original) was being rejected based on length. There’s no mention of a word restriction on the website and the error message that came up each time should be inducted into the Pantheon of Clarity and Helpfulness alongside the myki website and this peach from the United States (for an actual, accredited private university).

Woolworths error

My favourite part is the little hint that you might have more luck if you just wait a while. And the key is a nice little touch. The key into what? A cellar of frustration and missed payments?

Anyway, I finally found a way. This is what I sent:

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My email to Myer

by Haught 1 Comment

Yesterday, the CEO of the department store Myer, Bernie Brooks is said to have told a business conference that an increase in the Medicare levy to help fund the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) would be bad for their business. He said that the $350 per year that an average-income earner would pay towards the NDIS under the proposed funding model “is something they would have spent with us”.

I’m weighing into this discussion relatively late: the response since about 3pm yesterday, on social media and beyond, has been pretty epic. Myer realised this morning that things were getting out of hand and crafted this exemplar of corporate communication, hilariously mentioning that one of the reasons they were opposed to the increase in the levy was that it might lead to “negative consumer sentiment”.

So, belatedly, here’s my email to Myer’s exalted leader:

1,197 views

My email to myki

myki imageIn 2002 the Victorian State Government began to take steps towards changing to a new public transport ticketing system that would replace the distinctly unimpressive (but vaguely stable) Metcard.

The new model would introduce smartcards to Victoria for the first time and, according to those in the know, avert the problems that would come from the impending obsolescence of the previous system.

A zillion dollars and six eons later, myki was finally introduced.

Not one single element of it was inherently better than the Metcard system. It was slower in every regard, not remotely intuitive, riddled with bugs, accompanied by a public information campaign involving gross condescension, and abysmally impractical for visitors to the state.

Smart? It was as dumb as buggery – a veritable imbecile in the pantheon of ticketing systems.

And still is. Very little has changed since its first drunken, wayward, confusing steps. It would look hopelessly out of place in the early 2000s and is hilariously inadequate in the hyper-digital world of 2013.

Since the 29th of December 2012 it has been the single principal ticketing system across Victoria (alongside V-Line tickets) and has proved an utter shambles of a “solution” (as the corporate wankers say these days).… Read the rest

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My email to Coles

by Haught 5 Comments

Coles logoHaughtist Elizabeth Campbell wrote a couple of weeks ago imploring me to send an email to Coles on her behalf. She had just had the final straw land upon her back (yes, I am intimating that she is a broken-backed camel): during a visit to a Coles store a few days after Christmas she encountered a veritable Everest of hot cross buns awaiting mindless consumption.

She demanded an explanation from the store manager who gave her the old “I’m just the manager of the entire store” excuse and then came to me.

I’ve been meaning to write to Coles for months and so was happy to oblige.

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My email to KFC

by Haught 6 Comments

KFC

If you take even a vague interest in the cricket, you can’t have missed KFC’s latest television ad campaign involving some people nobody’s ever heard of learning about what constitutes fun in Australia.

Turns out that’s throwing lawn bowls far too fast and bellowing indiscriminately at the cricket.

If you understand what the hell these ads are about please send your analysis through to haughtfeelings@gmail.com

If you’re like me and you’re confounded by what the ads mean or why KFC approved them, read my email to the famous fried chicken experts:

1,261 views

My email to Hoo haa Bar

Earlier this month, two young women tried to get into a venue on Melbourne’s Chapel Street by the name of Hoo haa Bar. They happened to be partners. They happened to be holding hands.

The women say that they were not permitted entry, and suspect their sexual orientation had more than a little something to do with it. Several witnesses support their claim.

Of course, it’s all “alleged” at this stage.

What’s not alleged is Hoo haa Bar’s Facebook-page response to the ensuing furore. It’s real and you can read it here.

I get confused, flustered, but ultimately excited when private enterprises show a willingness to respond to questions and criticism. And I feel like I have cola-activated Wizz Fizz in my underpantal region when they choose to play the woe-is-us victim.

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I’ve hit pay dirt… again

by Haught 5 Comments

Sometimes I receive messages in the spiced ham folder of my email that get me so excited I feel like I want to climb onto the tallest building in the suburb and shout my exhilaration to the world. I’m always reluctant to do that because I also feel like I could spontaneously combust at any moment and the tallest building in the suburb happens to be a school, and I wouldn’t want to scare the kiddies, or spatter them with charred human meat.

I think the closest I’ve ever come to climbing the bell tower at St Mary’s with post-email elation was after reading this little doozy. But today I received a piece of electronic correspondence that blew Jean Fafona’s effort out of the water. Some of that water happily sprayed onto me, putting out the fire that had started on both of my arms.

Here it is:

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