Haught

Purveyors of fine sarcasm

Tag: work

ParentHaught: how to introduce your baby to the office

A year ago, almost to this day, the stork came. It was 2.30pm on a Sunday. That evening we were cuddling a snowy-haired girl and eating stork for dinner. Well, you know how bad hospital food is.

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ParentHaught: baby rules for working mums and dads

The word “we” has absolutely no place in describing or announcing the birth. One partner goes through 8 to 30 hours of unrelenting agony before forcing a juvenile member of the species through a very small bodily opening. The other stands bedside, grimacing, patting, squeezing and cooing.

There is no “we”.

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“Forget you, pal…”

I understand the world through the prism of early episodes of The Simpsons. Who between the ages of 25 and 40…

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The Haught guide to choosing your spirit animal

Ten years ago, if someone had asked you what your spirit animal was, you’d have moved to the other end…

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The Haught guide to new year cliches

Is there anything worse than new year work cliches? Yes – many things – among them child labour, Kyle Sandilands…

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Lessons from The Grape Men

Never let the fact there’s ostensibly nothing left to do get in the way of a 12-hour working day. Pickaxing a bare patch of ground, reversing a truck into a position and then moving it back into its original position and thrashing at a fence with a piece of rope are all examples of noble labour.

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The Haught guide to know-it-alls

In most cases… these people are barely able to keep their heads above the scum-topped liquid of their own career puddles despite wearing an inflatable giraffe ring around their waist at all times (sometimes metaphorical, often not).

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The Haught guide to loud sneezers

The problem of loud sneezers in the office is almost universally shrugged away as a mild annoyance. The idea that epic nasal detonations are on a par with double booked meeting rooms or coffee breath is dangerous conventional wisdom.

In fact, those who get to the 130 decibel mark or above are nothing less than a menace that must be ripped from the coalface, roots and all, like the insidious species of human weed they are.

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The Magical Lavatory

But the greatest moment of all was when I witnessed a bloke lose control of his pendulum.

He was a flighty individual and must have feared having someone standing beside him at the urinals; that was understandable. What I had more trouble empathising with was the exclamation “Wh-wh-whoooa!” followed a furious flurry of activity during which urine passed over the top of the nearby cubicle and squirted into his own face.

It was like a small child trying to regain control of a full-bore fire hose.

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The Haught guide to applying for jobs

What a drag it is applying for jobs. The world would be a far better place if you could just…

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