Melbourne

The Pat Raw Chronicles

Over the last few months, a legend has been born.

If you ‘like’ Haught on Facebook you might already know him as Pat Raw.

If not, you can find out why ‘Pat’, why ‘Raw’ and why he’s a full-blown phenomenon below.  It’s a collection of the mobile Facebook posts I’ve been recently making while on the tram to work.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

A man on the tram was just telling his female acquaintance or colleague a long story. He was one of those storytellers who goes off on tangents and tells a lot of asides. But that doesn’t justify this:

“…I got home at – aw – probably 10.30. Maybe 10.45. I can’t be sure of the precise time. In any case, that’s quite late for me. I slept – aw, what would you say? – fitfully is probably not quite the right word… And anyway… woke at 6.15, which is quite normal for me, then thought to myself “Well, today’s the day”. And like I was saying earlier, I wasn’t nervous per se, but I certainly had butterflies. You know, I realised Pete was in Melbourne for the first time in – aw – 23 years. That’s a long time. So anyway… I went to the toilet and dropped some stool. And, look, it smelled like a horse pat, which is never a good sign, in my experience…”

The woman he was telling the story to had been mmm-ing attentively, but made two soft bird squawks when the bloke began waxing scatalogical.

Wednesday, 13 June, 2012

Horse Pat Man is on again today! Different acquaintance listening to his blather, though.

Best so far:

“…but, look, I’ve eased past that moment in my life and now I’m really… uh… how would you put it? Aw – brain’s a bit blurred at the moment. Look, what I probably mean is… you know, I’m doing it as the crow flies. Really just taking it one day at a time. And – aw – at the… really, at the end of the day, I’m just, you know, easing my way past some of the bulldust in my life and, in many ways, throwing caution to the wind. But… I mean, in answer to your, uh, question… I think I need to give ‘Hungry Games’ a second reading. I probably didn’t- aw – connect… is probably the right word… with the book the way I wanted to.”

Thursday, 14 June, 2012

Whoa Nellie! Thought I might have missed Horse Pat Man this morning. Then realised, to my horror, that he had just been sitting at the other end of the tram today and that I may have missed something of otherworldly beauty.

I tramped sullenly past him on the way out, but the tram got held up before the stop and I had time to hear this exquisite fragment:

“…I mean, yes, I get brand name buying, but…look… at the end of the day, the Home Brand petroleum jelly is EXACTLY the same as the expensive stuff… you know what I mean?”

I think I knew what he meant, but my goodness I now regret not having hung round for the elucidation.

Saturday, 16 June, 2012

I’m in a sulk because there was no Cow Pat Man this morning (even though I had a little look around the neighbourhood on the off chance he was in a public place telling a stranger about some part of his digestive or reproductive system).

Monday, 18 June, 2012

No Cow Pat Man today. I’m genuinely disappointed. No sign tomorrow and we should probably start panicking.

Tuesday, 19 June, 2012

I’ve just been alerted to the fact I referred to Horse Pat Man as Cow Pat Man this morning. Poor effort by me. At no stage have I heard this man refer to bog standard cow pat.

Wednesday, 20 June, 2012

Horse Pat Man is in the tram. Repeat. He is in the tram. We have Horse Pat.

Several minutes later

You need to think earnest, humourless and slightly condescending:

“… oh, no, disagree. Disagree. When I went there it was – aw – what would you say? Underwhelming probably gets across my feelings best. Look, the plating was not great. I thought the service was – aw – I’m just going to say it … crud… And the food itself was… well, look, my main was actually OK, but let’s get one thing straight: at the end of the day my entree, which was a kind of – aw – cool soup, I guess, tasted like what my three year old would call ‘potty’…”

Later still

 “…look at the end of the day, people might not like it, but I’m just talking raw.””

 Several hours layer.

I think in light of today’s events, we should rename Horse Pat Man, Pat Raw. Any objections or better ideas?

 Monday, 25 June, 2012

Pat Raw! He’s back and most definitely better than ever (with Bird Squawk Woman again):

“…but, yes. Yes. For the most part, I think you’re right. Parenting is a great great challenge. And I think – aw – I really think it’s a challenge that crosses boundaries… you know, whether they be international or intercultural or… or… international, which I may have already said. And, look, I think – aw – how best to illustrate my point? I have an American friend who is a father of three children under eight and he’s told me two of them get a bit silly with… breaking gas in public. (*bird squawk*) But he’s found a quite ingenious way around it. He’s instituted something he calls a flatus status, whereby the two younger children must tell him whether they feel like passing gas BEFORE leaving the house. If they say no but then go on to push out a noise or a smell in public, they get given what he calls a “butt foul”…

Monday, 2 July, 2012

Pat Raw has a croaky voice this morning, but it’s not stopping him from generating anecdotal wizardry:

“…look, my advice would be battle through. Battle through and don’t look back. It reminds me a bit of that -aw- now let get this right… I’m going to say Kate Moss… the Kate Moss song that goes a little something like this: [in an atonal baritone] ‘Don’t give up now/Your goal’s not far./Don’t give up now/You’ve come so far.’ Phoo. And that’s about all you’re going to get from me because that song always gets me right here [pounding at his heart]. Right here.”

Tuesday, 3 July, 2012

Pat Raw has nobody to talk to this morning, but I feel I should keep adding bricks to the wobbling, irregular edifice that is his biography:

Pat Raw appears to be growing a ponytail.

Pat Raw once said “I’ve got no time for hippies.”

Pat Raw has made his some time-companion make a bird squawk noise on at least a dozen occasions that I have witnessed.

Thursday, 5 July, 2012

Oh! OH! Big Pat Raw just got told off.

He was crapping on about finance (nothing worth mentioning) and a bloke getting off the tram turned around on the step and said, “Hey, buddy, have you thought about toning it down a bit?”

After fifteen seconds Pat faced back to Bird Squawk Woman (who I think should be called Agatha String) and asked “Was he taking to me?”

 Monday, 9 July, 2012

Pat Raw:

“I’m a big contributor. I make -aw- how would you put it… I make a huge contribution to the economy in a broad range of areas. I live for model airplanes for example. Now you may be thinking, “small change, Big Guy”, but it all adds up. It all adds up.

“Geeze, I’m angry this morning.”

Wednesday, 11 July, 2012

Pat may have reached a new level of greatness today.

Pat: “I started as a fill-in, but now I’m into this sport in a big way. A couple of people on my team have said I’m now the best player, which is -aw- look… No, I just think that’s too far right now. But I’d say I’m in the top three.”

Agatha: “A few weeks ago, I remember you said you found it a frustrating sport.”

Pat: “And, look, in many ways I still do. But at the end of the day, netball is a solid game and I’m just having a ball. I’ve started feeling so -aw- what would you say… confident in my own skin out there. I’ve started calling out “Here comes the Big Guy!” in the manner of that old footballer… what’s his name?”

Agatha: “I… really don’t know.”

Pat: “Well anyway, I’ve started yelling it.” [booming laughter]

Agatha: [bird squawk]

Pat: “Hey, speaking of the Big Guy, that’s not the way I’ve been describing myself in the bedroom… know what I mean?”

Agatha: “In fact I don’t.”

Pat: “I’m referring to intimate moments with my wife.”

Agatha: “I see.”

Pat: “Coital relations.”

Thursday, 12 July, 2012

Woman conducting an incredibly loud, obnoxious and inane conversation on her mobile in the tram (“I’m like… like…’sorry if it seems like I’m pushing you away, but you need to talk…like… open up…you know’ And he’s like… and anyway I’m like busy busy at work, you know what I mean.”)

Pat Raw just went “Tsk” and shook his head.

Wednesday, 18 July, 2012

The Pat Raw tram opera has reached a rousing crescendo. Once again, Pat managed to twist the conversation he was having with Agatha into an in-depth (one-way) discussion on his bowel movement. After loudly declaring “I decided to semi-squat, semi-stand on this particular occasion” (Pat pronounces semi, “see-my”), he apparently failed to notice that he was causing more discomfiture around him than ever before. Several people were grumbling, one was kind of moaning as if about to vomit, and Agatha herself was characteristically reluctant to maintain eye contact with Big Pat. He continued, now moving on to how he was “see-my” constipated, and again failed to notice a woman hissing “disgusting” as she got off the tram.

Then came the moment. Pat said he looked at his own toilet paper post-wipe and “thought I was looking at a candied yam”.

Agatha made a noise like a distressed chook.

Someone down near the back of the tram yelled “Oh, for Christ’s – ” but were cut off by a man in the seat bay across the aisle from Pat who stood and bellowed “ENOUGH! THAT WILL DO!”

Three or four people clapped, while a few others seemed emboldened to yell their own admonishments – “every bloody day” and “dirty old grub”.

Pat went bright red, the first time I’ve seen him look embarrassed, and after about three minutes of silence made an insipid and belated attempt at self defense: “I… just… I just talk raw. I speak from the heart.”

Someone said “Yes, we’ve heard that before.”

And then I had to get off the tram.

Epic.

Friday, 20 July, 2012 (evening)

Had a few questions about Pat Raw. Didn’t see him on the tram today. Unsure whether I just missed him (as I’m sure I sometimes do) or whether he’s in post-humiliation hiding.

Monday, 23 July, 2012

Pat Raw this morning spoke mostly in a low mutter. At one point I heard him say “I probably shouldn’t say any more on the subject.”

Tuesday, 24 July, 2012

Pat is talking (quietly) about the nanny state this morning. It’s a favoured topic of conversation under normal circumstances – today it’s more like a preoccupation. He has just told Agatha that political correctness is “bringing this country down” and earlier said that people wanted “to talk raw, but minorities are forcing them to boil down their words.”

Wednesday, 25 July, 2012

Pat Raw has become incredibly bitter. At one point today he hissed at Agatha “What did I say? What did I even SAY?”

Agatha said, “I don’t recollect.”

Pat said, “I merely offered a description!”

Friday, 27 July, 2012

Pat accidentally made Agatha chuckle and then yelled: “Whoa. Whey! Hey! The Big Guy’s up and about today!”

Tuesday, 31 July, 2012

I think I must have missed an exciting Pat Raw episode yesterday because today he keeps asking Agatha “Am I selfish?” and “Would you say I only think of myself?” About ten minutes ago he said “Anyway that’s – aw – all I’ll say on the matter. Let’s talk about your grandson’s birthday.”

Agatha seemed delighted and started chattering away, but Pat took absolutely no notice of what she was saying. Instead he went into a visible rumination phase.

Then halfway through one of Agatha’s sentences he stood up, walked over to a man a few seat bays up and tried to give him silver change.

It became very clear very quickly that Pat believed this to be a homeless man. Everyone else on the tram could see it was a young fellow (with a bad cough) sporting one of those fashionably thick bushman’s beards.

Haught fact of the day:

Pat Raw once did “an impersonation of Christopher Walken” that was just him doing his own voice while pinching his nose.