Haught Take: Sponke the monkey
Yesterday, people in parts of western and south-western Sydney were exposed to a brochure telling readers “Do not vote Labor” and listing a series of reasons relating to “protecting” families, masturbation and homosexuality.
The advertising became instantly notorious for this dire warning: “DO NOT VOTE FOR LABOR IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO SPONKE THEIR MONKEYS”.
No person or organisation put their name to the propaganda, but Haught can exclusively reveal exactly how the above flyer came to be:
Herman: OK, welcome to the – what is this? – I think it’s the third meeting now of the Independent Policy Coalition for Non-Partisan Neutrality. Wow. Time flies. OK, I don’t want to hold anyone up, but I’m going to do a roll call. So… Robert?
Herman: Great. And Maria?
Herman: OK. Fantastic. That brings the roll call to a conclusion. Friends, as I mentioned in our… uh… last meeting, I’m putting together a brochure on the subject of why people in Sydney should not vote for the Labor Party and I thought now was the perfect time to get your thoughts on the content.
Robert: A good idea, Herman.
Maria: Yes. That sounds very sensible.
Herman: Ah, grand. So, I think we can all agree that family values really just sums up what the Independent Policy Coalition for Non-Partisan Neutrality is all about and-
Robert: I’ll stop you there, Herman. Just… forgive me… You mean family value?
Herman: N-no. Family val-ues. The…uh… the values… the the the… uh… moral principles one might traditionally ascribe to a person who sees his family as second only to the Lord as the central focus of his-
Robert: I’ve never heard of… Maria, have you…?
Maria: I think Herman might be getting value and values mixed up. It’s an easy enough mistake to make.
Robert: Mm. Mm. I see what Maria is saying. Yes. That could be it. You see, the term Maria and I are much more familiar with is family value: the value of a family.
Herman: I’m afraid I don’t…?
Robert: Look, Herman, family is business these days and unlike Labor voters, sane, practical and rational people can place a monetary value on a family. There’s a simple equation involved.
Herman: Oh my word.
Maria: It’s true, Herman. And deviant activity reduces the net worth of a family unit.
Herman: Right. Well… I… so… “Do not vote Labor if you want to protect…”
Maria and Robert: [in unison] Family value.
Herman: I see. I see. Well… uh… I can certainly… certainly consider that. Moving on. Can we agree that under the subject of family in our list of warnings would come… the scourge of children becoming homma-secks-ewls?
Herman: What? Have I made another mistake?
Robert: Oh no. No. Not at all. I just feel… Maria, I don’t know if you feel the same…
Maria: It lacks punch.
Robert: It really does.
Herman: Oh. That’s… that’s fair criticism. Could it be… “Do not vote Labor if you do not want your child to EVER become a homma-secks-ewl.”
Robert: Somewhat better… but my question would be are children at risk of becoming homosexuals under Labor or are they at risk of becoming… oh… how would you put it…?
Herman: I don’t know if I… Are they at risk of becoming homma-secks-ew-ality itself?
Herman: I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m being obtuse here, friends, but… you mean… the children are turning into…
Maria: The very concept of homosexuality.
Robert: The essence of gay.
Herman: Good gracious. I’m just… writing… this down…
Herman: Well… uh… next… next on my list… and this is, of course, up for discussion… uh… is…uh… uh… [scared moaning sound]…uh… well… auto-erotic behaviour.
Robert: I… don’t know what that means, Herman.
Maria: You’ll have to…
Herman: I’m referring to… [clearing throat loudly]… to the mast-rah-bation.
Maria: [slowly shaking her head with narrowing eyes]
Robert: I’m still at a loss, I’m afraid.
Herman: Ah. How should I… the… unholy act of self-abuse involving… uh… stimulation of the… the the the… organs of reproduction.
Robert: Oh! OH! Borteing the bishop?
Maria: Oh! Duddleing the pink Skittle?
Herman: Heavens to betsy!
Robert: Chalkeing the chicken.
Maria: Plonking the pearl barley.
Herman: [trying to hold back tears] What?
Robert: Yenking the old flesh chain.
Maria: Transversing the Nile Delta.
Herman: I don’t know whether to be disgusted or-
Robert: Hosting the main sail.
Maria: Embanking on an adventure in the tuna canoe.
Herman: Why are you-?
Robert: Sponkeing the monkey.
Maria: I love that one.
Robert: Write that down.
Herman: I really must protest. For a start, we are against this practice.
Robert: What practice?
Herman: THE MAST-RAH-BATION!
Maria: You mean sponkeing the monkey? Yes, of course we are. It’s disgusting and can lead to blindness. The Lord cast Lucifer out of Heaven after Michael found him strumbling Little Satan behind one of the Pearly Gates.
Herman: Well if that is the case, why are you using such… such… such… frankly juvenile euphemisms to describe the activity?
Robert: I’m not sure I know what you mean, Herman. In the same way that a doctor might use a commonly known form of mild understatement to ask a patient an embarrassing question – “Have you passed wind recently?” for example – we are simply doing the same thing. This is a brochure for a general audience, am I correct?
Herman: Well… yes.
Robert: And a general audience will know immediately what we mean when we say “Do not vote Labor if you do not want your children to learn how to sponke their monkeys.”
Herman: Why do you keep doing that?
Robert: Doing what?
Herman: Making those ridiculous errors with the verbs. Sponkeing their monkeys. Surely one spanks one’s monkey. And chalkeing the chicken. What does that mean? It’s choking. Choking one’s chicken. And Maria, you said transversing the Amazon Delta –
Maria: The Nile Delta.
Herman: The Nile Delta. It’s traversing. It’s a reference to the fingers travelling across the the the… lower female anatomy. It has to be traversing. And Michael discovered Lucifer strumming Little Satan. Although I frankly fail to recall that being anywhere in Scripture. Strumming. There’s no such word as strumbling!
Robert: Herman, you’re hot and bothered. Why don’t you have a nice warm mug of Horlicks, take a little nap and let us finish this brochure off for you? We’ll translate it into Chinese, print it off, distribute it throughout Sydney, and by the time you wake up, Labor will be unable to govern for the next two decades.
Herman: [wiping sweat from his brow] No… you’re right, Robert. Of course. Thank you.
Kind regards to Milton Bradley or whoever makes Guess Who, the board game, which let me use the names of some of their characters, completely without permission.