Date: July 2016
Lucy: I do Memmeh’s hair?
Me: Are you a hairdresser, Lucy?
Lucy: Yeah. I cut a da hair with brushes.
Me: Do you need two combs?
Mum: Of course she does. This a very prestigious salon. Lucy’s the best.
Me: I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t realise.
Lucy starts brushing Mum’s hair.
Lucy: Papa? [handing me a comb]
Me: Oh! Lucy. I’d be honoured.
I start brushing Mum’s hair.
Lucy: That’s butter.
Me: That is better. But you’ve told me before about some experimental techniques you’ve been working on. Should we try them now?
Me: [using the comb like a spatula] Thaaat’s the way. You described this to me as like covering a cake with icing. Is that right?
Me: And… and… now you’re covering Memmeh’s eyes with icing.
Mum: This is a very good haircut. What will this cost, Lucy? How much?
Lucy: Four and six.
Me: And what about in post Victorian England currency?
Mum: Oh, don’t be silly, Papa. You said four hundred and six, didn’t you?
Lucy: Yes. Silly Papa. Naughty.
Me: $406 sounds like a LOT for a haircut!
Mum: Well this is more than a haircut.
Me: Fair enough. So $406, Lucy?
Lucy: Four and six marse-mallows.
Me: That’s more within Memmeh’s budget, I feel.
Lucy: More do a da cake?
Me: Yes, we should continue with the experimental methods. What about we comb Memmeh’s hair and yell coiffure in her face.
Lucy: No. Silly.
Me: Well I’m doing it.
I give Mum’s hair a comb and yell “coiffure” right up in her grill for no reason at all.
Lucy finds this amusing and gives it a try but says “fluff-fur” instead.
Me: That’s right.
Mum: This is VERY experimental, I have to say.
Lucy squirms to get into a better yelling position and does a huge fart.
Me: OH! I’m terribly sorry, madam! We’ll refund your marshmallows, of course!
Mum: No! No! This is an artiste at work. Her eccentricities make her the great that she is.
Me: Ah yes.
Me: That’s excellent. Lucy, I’d like to apologise for questioning your methods.
Lucy: Sorry Papa.
Me: No. No, I’m sorry, Lucy. Now before I get emotional, let’s move on to the elephant in the room: does Memmeh need plugs?
Lucy: Yes. Blugs.
Me: She does doesn’t she?
Lucy: Memmeh? You need a blugs in your cake.