My email to Microsoft

My email to microsoft

Recently, Microsoft realised “oops – we desperately need to give the arse to many many thousands of employees”. Last week, they left the job of telling these people to a man by the name of Stephen Elop, the Vice-President of Microsoft Devices & Services.

The email he wrote to staff was 1113 words and 14 paragraphs long and, when it became public, received much negative media attention. You can read it here (but set aside a good ten to twelve hours):

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I decided I’d drop him an electronic line.… Read the rest

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My email to myki

myki imageIn 2002 the Victorian State Government began to take steps towards changing to a new public transport ticketing system that would replace the distinctly unimpressive (but vaguely stable) Metcard.

The new model would introduce smartcards to Victoria for the first time and, according to those in the know, avert the problems that would come from the impending obsolescence of the previous system.

A zillion dollars and six eons later, myki was finally introduced.

Not one single element of it was inherently better than the Metcard system. It was slower in every regard, not remotely intuitive, riddled with bugs, accompanied by a public information campaign involving gross condescension, and abysmally impractical for visitors to the state.

Smart? It was as dumb as buggery – a veritable imbecile in the pantheon of ticketing systems.

And still is. Very little has changed since its first drunken, wayward, confusing steps. It would look hopelessly out of place in the early 2000s and is hilariously inadequate in the hyper-digital world of 2013.

Since the 29th of December 2012 it has been the single principal ticketing system across Victoria (alongside V-Line tickets) and has proved an utter shambles of a “solution” (as the corporate wankers say these days).… Read the rest

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My email to Margaret Court

by Haught 9 Comments

Gay marriage. It’s died down completely as an issue since I wrote this letter to Margaret Court earlier in the year, but I thought I’d post it just for shits and giggles.

I don’t know what shits have to do with giggles. Do you? Margaret Court almost certainly does and I deeply regret not asking her what the shits/giggles link is in the below email to her.

Indeed, Margaret knows many things, including that “Australia is on a steep moral decline” and that “Minorities are now making it harder for the majority.”

I recommend reading Margaret’s Herald-Sun magnum opus from January before getting to my frippery:

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My email to Kyle Sandilands [VINTAGE HAUGHT]

by Haught 8 Comments
"Cane-toad". Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Cane-toad“. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Today the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) said Kyle Sandilands’ November on-air ejaculation of bile was a little bit bad but mostly fine.

No idea which of the many many on-air Sandilands rants I’m talking about? Here’s a recap:

Last year about 1.7 million people said Kyle Sandilands’ new TV project was shit. A few of them said it publicly. One of these people was a journalist by the name of Alison Stephenson. Being a female weighing more than 50kg, Alison deeply offended Kyle. So Kyle decided to hit back.

I think ACMA took the soft option, because they knew I’d taken the hard option and Kyle had thus already served his penance. Here’s the email I sent to Kyle (via Austereo) at the end of last year:

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My email to Ben Polis

by Haught 9 Comments

Yesterday, the Melbourne Football Club, as well as the Melbourne Victory Football Club and the Melbourne Rebels Rugby Union Club dumped Energy Watch as their sponsors after the co-founder and CEO of the company, Ben Polis, was found to have made a series of offensive comments on his Facebook page.

I like writing emails to people like Ben, as they are often misunderstood and I am very good at looking at things from a different perspective. Here’s one I wrote a little while ago:

Dear Ben,

I am writing this email to you tod

I am white and male.

I am writing this email to you today both to lend my support at this difficult time and (I hope this doesn’t sound opportunistic) to propose a business deal.

I feel that the way you have been treated has been nothing short of disgraceful! (Is it OK if I put exclamation marks at the end of my sentences? I know you have ADHD and I know rambunctious punctuation can set a person with ADHD off, so I thought I’d check.)

We seem to live in a nanny state where freedom of speech is frowned upon in the same way that soap might be at a brown person’s home/adobe hut/teepee.… Read the rest

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