ParentHaught: Lucy’s Salon

lucy's salon

Date: July 2016

Age: 2

 

Lucy: I do Memmeh’s hair?

Me: Are you a hairdresser, Lucy?

Lucy: Yeah. I cut a da hair with brushes.

Me: Do you need two combs?

Mum: Of course she does. This a very prestigious salon. Lucy’s the best.

Me: I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t realise.

Lucy starts brushing Mum’s hair.

Lucy: Papa? [handing me a comb]

Me: Oh! Lucy. I’d be honoured.… Read the rest

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ParentHaught: how to introduce your baby to the office

Crispy-skinned stork

Stork goes exceptionally well with coriander.

Here’s the ParentHaught story so far:

I’m a father. A year ago, to this day, the stork came. It was 2.30pm on a Sunday. That evening we were cuddling a snowy-haired girl and eating stork for dinner. Well, you know how bad hospital food is.

Anyway, barely a month had passed before colleagues began the inevitable bring-her-into-work campaign.

Although these are dressed up as cuddle-fests, they’re one-baby beauty contests plain and simple.  (Hey, I don’t invent society’s perverse and superficial games; I just give you very smart tips on how to make them work in your favour.)… Read the rest

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Who stole the cookies? [The Mike Lamprill Incident]

At primary school, a boy whose real name I won’t reveal (I’ll call him Mike Lamprill) took our collective seven-year-old understanding of honesty to a new echelon during a game of Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar.

For those who don’t know the game, it goes something like this:

Kiddies sit in a circle and create a beat by clapping their hands then slapping their knees in unison – hands-knees, hands-knees, hands-knees, etc. The teacher then gets the game started in earnest by singing “Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?” followed by “Li stole the cookies from the cookie jar.” This brings that child into the game, and their response to the accusation must be “Who me?” which is immediately followed by the whole group baying for blood: “Yes you!”, then back to the accused who pleads their innocence with “Couldn’t be!”, then back to the group of shockingly fickle accusers who, instead of broadening their line of enquiry just give up, and together ask “Then who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?”, which gives the now-innocent child the chance to make their own evidence-free allegation: “DAVID stole the cookies from the cookie jar!” And so on and so forth.

If you’re still not sure what the hell I’m talking about, I highly recommend Wikipedia’s description, which includes a superlative use of the word “apocryphal”.

Who Stole the Cookies had a chequered history at my primary school.

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