My email to Melburnians

by Haught 0 Comments
640px-Melbourne_Skyline_and_Princes_Bridge_-_Dec_2008

“Melbourne Skyline and Princes Bridge” by Diliff – Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Commons

Dear Melburnians,

I’m writing to you to express my abject disgust at what you have done today.

How dare you take to the streets – and to the gutter that is social media – and bring to a humiliating stop a perfectly legitimate operation with a name inexplicably taken from World War II involving a paramilitary entity blessed by at least one god and which at one stage had one of the greatest corporate logos known to humankind.

You bastards. Read the rest

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Chucking a spickie

Spickie image

It was 8.05pm on Sunday the 30th of March 2014. I had just returned home after witnessing an absolute debacle. My face was red, I was angry, irrational, incapable of looking at things with perspective or anything approaching common sense. As I wrote the words below, I knew exactly how it felt to be Alan Jones.

If Equanimity were a town, I’d be a thousand miles away from it. Probably in another town called Agitation, sucking on my second bottle of tequila like a newborn lamb, only stopping to fire my six gun at the chandelier. But I don’t want you to let my state of mind make you think what I’m about to say is anything other than my usual, unfailingly pristine career advice.… Read the rest

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My email to Connex

by Haught 2 Comments

Con

If you’re a relative newcomer to Haught, you might not know that before I was writing immaculately worded emails to big-name dickheads and corporate galoots like Microsoft, Alan Jones, Coles and Woolworths , I became a household name (and got people asking why there wasn’t a Nobel Prize for Blogging) writing to public transport companies.

Well, I’ve decided it’s time to return to my roots.

Now, if you’re familiar with what it’s like to be on a Melbourne train during peak hour, or slightly before or after peak hour, or in hot weather, or in mildly warm weather, or when it’s raining, or drizzling, you have my sympathies. You can also probably go straight to the email below.

If you’ve never had the displeasure of a Melbourne train experience, you might also want to get up to speed on just how badly our train system is operated before you read the email below. You can do that by reading my email to Metro trains from a couple of years ago, this recent Age article on continual overcrowding, or the most recent Canstar City Train Ratings.

 

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The MetroSuccessual campaign

MetroSuccessualsI am, if nothing else, an advertising aficionado. In the past, I’ve been known to be quite critical of some recent Australian advertising – a bourbon commercial, a fast food campaign and a bank poem come immediately to mind – but there is one campaign that has captured my imagination, held it captive on the top level of a tastefully renovated warehouse and brought it craft beer and pretzels.

It’s the MetroSuccessual campaign and I’m worried that it’s not getting the exposure it should. Take a browse through the ads below and feel free to share them about your social network. I’m sure the ad agency responsible would be thankful for the extra traction or leverage or torque or whatever they call it these days.

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Dumb Ways to Die (the Demons version)

Money BinAs some of you reading this will know, my alter ego is a mild-mannered Melbourne Demons supporter by the name of Jonathan.

As some of you reading this will know, the Melbourne Demons may be the second most ineptly run organisation in the history of civilisation.

As some of you reading this will know, last year Metro Trains (the most ineptly run organisation in the history of civilisation) released a hilarious public safety video called Dumb Ways to Die.

The Demons have now fallen so far that the possibility of extinction is once again shrouding the club like a foul stench.

So, with apologies to Julian Frost and John Mescall…

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My email to myki

myki imageIn 2002 the Victorian State Government began to take steps towards changing to a new public transport ticketing system that would replace the distinctly unimpressive (but vaguely stable) Metcard.

The new model would introduce smartcards to Victoria for the first time and, according to those in the know, avert the problems that would come from the impending obsolescence of the previous system.

A zillion dollars and six eons later, myki was finally introduced.

Not one single element of it was inherently better than the Metcard system. It was slower in every regard, not remotely intuitive, riddled with bugs, accompanied by a public information campaign involving gross condescension, and abysmally impractical for visitors to the state.

Smart? It was as dumb as buggery – a veritable imbecile in the pantheon of ticketing systems.

And still is. Very little has changed since its first drunken, wayward, confusing steps. It would look hopelessly out of place in the early 2000s and is hilariously inadequate in the hyper-digital world of 2013.

Since the 29th of December 2012 it has been the single principal ticketing system across Victoria (alongside V-Line tickets) and has proved an utter shambles of a “solution” (as the corporate wankers say these days).… Read the rest

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Pat Raw: The Musical

by Haught 1 Comment

TramThe last installment of the Pat Raw Chronicles ended with Haught fan Julianne Rice suggesting that it was “only a matter of time before Agatha stands and sings a melancholic solo after which her fellow commuters will leap to their feet in an energetic choral and acrobatic display. Pat Raw: The Musical.”

This inspired me. It inspired me even more than my own erotic fiction inspires me. It inspired me more than watching 1990s Bush Tucker Man inspires me. It inspired me more than steam trains on trestle bridges inspire me.

So I wrote a song for Agatha, based on a song from Les Miserables. I posted it on Facebook and then about seven seconds later the  excessively talented Kristy McKenzie sent me her version. Anyway, see and hear for yourself…

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The Pat Raw Chronicles (cont’d)

Koala PatIf you’re new to Haught and haven’t yet got onto the official Haught Facebook page, you might not know who Pat Raw is. This makes you either very fortunate or very unfortunate, depending on how much you enjoy hearing about others’ bowel movements, D-grade sporting achievements and sex lives.

You can find out all about him by having a squizz at my introduction to Pat from August.

If you are familiar with Pat, but haven’t been keeping up with his latest hijinks, here are the highlights from August til the end of November, taken directly from Facebook:

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Where have all the Grape Men gone?

Where the Grape Men would be if they were around any more

I get asked a lot of questions while on tour, during international literary festivals and in the bath with groupies. Some of the most common include “Was that really an okapi?”, “Will you take off your mask?”, “What’s Sam Marshall really like? and “Whatever happened to those nice Grape Men?”

The answers, in order, are

“Yes, and it was eating a daikon.”

“I wouldn’t be much of a superhero if I just took off my mask willy nilly, would I.”

“A delightful fellow with a predilection for fine vodka.”

And, as for the Grape Men, well, that’s a slightly longer story.

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My email to Hoo haa Bar

Earlier this month, two young women tried to get into a venue on Melbourne’s Chapel Street by the name of Hoo haa Bar. They happened to be partners. They happened to be holding hands.

The women say that they were not permitted entry, and suspect their sexual orientation had more than a little something to do with it. Several witnesses support their claim.

Of course, it’s all “alleged” at this stage.

What’s not alleged is Hoo haa Bar’s Facebook-page response to the ensuing furore. It’s real and you can read it here.

I get confused, flustered, but ultimately excited when private enterprises show a willingness to respond to questions and criticism. And I feel like I have cola-activated Wizz Fizz in my underpantal region when they choose to play the woe-is-us victim.

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