Friends have informed me that the internet dating scene is moribund. It has, by all accounts, beenso flagrantly overfished, that what remains is the equivalent of some European carp (which you have a legal obligation to kill in Victoria) and the odd stench eel (Google them; they’re real).
Realising that traditional partner-finding avenues are now back in vogue, I’ve decided to dedicate this week’s column to office prowling tips:
When on the lookout at work, declare your singlehood loudly and frequently, using pronouncements such as “I’m on the lookout at work” and “I’m single. Big time!”
Why walk into a meeting when you can shimmy in?
Always close the communal dishwasher with your bum. If your office doesn’t have a dishwasher, try a filing cabinet or just make the closing motion apropos of nothing.
‘Coquettishly’ is a good word and an even better way to behave within the office. It comes from the French word coquet which refers to a rooster’s strut, so, contrary to popular belief, is unisex.
When attainable colleagues ask you how your weekend was, “lonely” and “unsatisfying” are your go-to words. Don’t be afraid to give examples: “I rode a tandem bicycle along the local bike path and wept the whole way” or “I sat on a seesaw for several hours and screamed ‘NO!’ when children offered to get on the other side” are good options. (Note: It’s far easier to say these things if you actually do them during weekends; that way they aren’t lies.)
I’ve had a huge amount of experience in this field, so please take these tips with absolutely no salt at all.
Jonathan Rivett sometimes writes rudy-nudy stuff at www.haught.com.au (obviously, because you’re reading it).
An edited version of this article first appeared in the MyCareer section of The Age and Sydney Morning Herald.
You can read Benign to Five in those papers every Saturday, and if you miss it, you can look it up online in the BusinessDay section of The Age, the Sydney Morning Herald, The Canberra Times, WAToday and Brisbane Times. (I now wankishly call myself a “syndicated columnist” on my CV.)
You’ve had a lot of experience with the one-person see-saw?
A… friend told me about it. *darting eyes*