Print this post and cut out the letter below, then stick it on or above your kitchen fridge or sink at work (or at home).
I wrote it, so it goes without saying that it’s exactly what you’ve always wanted to say to your filthy co-workers (or housemates), but were too polite to put into words.
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Dear Lance-Corporal Salmonella.
You are disgusting and we, the members of civil society, have something we need to tell you:
CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF, YOU SANITARY DEGENERATE!
What do you think this is? Your own personal feculence laboratory?
(STOP NODDING! There’s no such thing!)
If you desperately desire to find out what it’s like to be infected by listeria, cholera and campylobacter at the same time, that’s fine, but do it in your own home/domestic compost heap – don’t bring us, people with a knowledge of hygiene that postdates Queen Victoria, into it.
You are a facilitator of putrescence. You are a contaminator extraordinaire. You are a triple-A accredited foulness engineer.
You are a child.
Grow up.
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An edited version of this article first appeared in the MyCareer section of The Age and Sydney Morning Herald.
You can read Benign to Five in those papers every Saturday, and if you miss it, you can look it up online in the BusinessDay section of The Age, the Sydney Morning Herald, The Canberra Times, WAToday and Brisbane Times. (I now wankishly call myself a “syndicated columnist” on my CV.)
Read more Haught newspaper columns
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Read more Haught letters to dickheads
good article, thank you