myki, you are not a faecal stain on the fabric of society, not hydrochloric acid in the face of civility, not even a figurative cancer metastasising throughout the Victorian community. You are something so much worse.
Read MoreHaughtist Elizabeth Campbell wrote a couple of weeks ago imploring me to send an email to Coles on her behalf….
Read MoreIf you take even a vague interest in the cricket, you can’t have missed KFC’s latest television ad campaign involving…
Read MoreWhen you’re feeling vulnerable and confused… when the world has got you down and you don’t know what to do next……
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While I may be the world’s most promising and precocious literary talent, this doesn’t change the fact that I am as ugly as sin. And I’m not talking about one of the spurious Catholic ones like “original sin” or one of the piss-weak Deadly ones like sloth or gluttony; I’m talking about the absolute shockers like wrath, Avada Kedavra and, by far the worst of all, vanity. (I absolutely abhor arrogance and conceit, and as the owner of a Chapel Street night club, you undoubtedly do too.)
I’m so unattractive, my wife employs a Perseus-style mirror-plated shield when conversing with me. I’m so unattractive, I’m reluctant to have children because I fear that if my son or daughter got my face genes, I’d be dragged to The Hague and charged with crimes against humanity.
Read More…all your products are bloody delicious and the fact you remain an Australian-owned company swells my chest with the kind of green and gold pride that makes me want to look in a mirror and tell myself “Stop puffing out your chest – you look like a wanker and you’re bringing attention to yourself”.
Read MoreIn May I sent an email to Metro Trains. It started out as an opportunity for the Big Blue M…
Read MoreLast week I sent an email to Metro Trains. I haven’t yet heard anything back from an official representative, but…
Read MoreI have a back catalogue of unsent Metro Trains complaints that, if put down on paper, scrunched into a ball and launched into space, would quickly begin orbiting the sun and become our solar system’s fourth largest planet.
Read MoreI’ll be brutally honest (I know you goddamn respect that): your clothing doesn’t really do it for me – diamante encrusted denim isn’t my thing. But by Christ I love your approach to customer service via the written word.
I find the style of your (recently much-publicised) email correspondence nothing short of mesmerizing. The gloriously specific examples, the beautifully restrained sprinkle of Latin, the extravagant defense of your staff… truly exhilarating stuff.
I want one of your emails to call my own.
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