The Australian President’s real speech

Last week Barack Obama was re-elected as the Prime Minister of the Uniting States of America. This caused a great deal of anger among a certain section of US society, many members of which discovered for the first time that other countries existed outside their own and that some of these foreign nations now seemed more desirable than their native land.

Some vowed to leave America to escape Obama’s communist tentacles. A large percentage of these would-be emigres decided on Australia, in many cases because they’d read this speech by Australian President Julia Gillard.

However, everyone knows that speech is a hoax. No leader of Australia would ever be so obnoxiously provocative and appallingly undiplomatic.

More recently, though, Julie Howard did deliver this speech:

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture or political views.

Many American Republican voters are half wits. Some have good physiological reasons for their imbecility; others have no excuse. There, I said it.

Since the beginning of the most recent US election campaign , we have experienced a surge in stupidity by the majority of Republicans. This culture has been developed over one and a half centuries of struggles, trials and in-breeding by millions of men and women who once sought freedom, but who now just want to find a scapegoat to blame for the fact that they are talentless, unworldly, gullible, pre-Enlightenment boors, obsessed with obscure Bible passages and amassing personal armouries.

After the re-election of Barack Obama, these people now want to come to our country. I know because they said so on Twitter.

As long as they don’t come on boats, they are free to do this, but before they do, they should take heed of this advice:

In Australia, we speak mainly Strine, not American, or any other inferior language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, get a dog up ya and Learn the bloody language! (That last point was so important I began it with a capital, even though it wasn’t a new sentence. I’m the Australian President – I can do that.) Most Australians believe in God; after all, most are old enough to have seen him in the flesh during the 80s and early 90s. Most also believe him to be a bit of a weirdo, what with the hair and the lifestyle… and there was that whole thing with the girl who overdosed… now’s probably not the time to go into it. Some say his son’s an even better footballer than he was, although many question his defection to the Gold Coast and their subsequent over-reliance on him.

Anyway, back to my angry, discriminatory, wildly contradictory, Presidential rant.

Convict men and women, on convict principles, industrialised this nation – and this is clearly documented (except in South Australia – they have to hang on to something, I s’pose). It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools alongside finger paintings and pictures of dinosaurs (those gargantuan reptiles that lived millions and millions of years before an ape even thought about standing upright). If bread stealing and drunkenness offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because theft and perpetual inebriation is part of our culture. We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why you feel it necessary to repeatedly chant the name of your country or get teary during your overwrought national anthem. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us and develop a sense of irony and read a book and don’t put hard esses in the word Aussie (actually, don’t use that word at all) and stop talking every now and then.  And eat some salad occasionally.

And just call a toilet a toilet, for fuck’s sake. (Jesus, you’re perfectly happy to carry a semi-automatic weapon into an old people’s home, but you have to call a dunny a “facility” – get your priorities right!)

Now, watch out – this is the bit where I start randomly thrashing caps lock.

This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Secularism, Our Universal Health Care, Our Casual Indifference to Wealth, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE. If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You got us confused with a mythical right-wing utopia that exists only in your (narrow) mind and asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.

Grand Old Party, my arse.

(From a speech delivered by President of the Australian Democratic Republic, Julie Howard.)

I wish OUR leader had the spine to say that sort of thing! Oh… she did.


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