Melbourne | Uncategorized

Dumb Ways to Die (the Demons version)

As some of you reading this will know, my alter ego is a mild-mannered Melbourne Demons supporter by the name of Jonathan.

As some of you reading this will know, the Melbourne Demons may be the second most ineptly run organisation in the history of civilisation.

As some of you reading this will know, last year Metro Trains (the most ineptly run organisation in the history of civilisation) released a hilarious public safety video called Dumb Ways to Die.

The Demons have now fallen so far that the possibility of extinction is once again shrouding the club like a foul stench.

So, with apologies to Julian Frost and John Mescall…

Get advice from Stephen Dank

Hold a meeting and announce “Let’s tank!”

Shrug your shoulders when your players rebel

But be sure to tell the press that they’re training well

Dumb ways to die, so many dumb ways to die, dumb ways to di-i-i-ie, so many dumb ways to die

Come up with excuses galore

Choose an untried coach one time more

Pick up Byrnes for some chips and a Freddo

Then trade Jordan Gysberts for a lumbering Peddo

Dumb ways to die, so many dumb ways to die, dumb ways to di-i-i-ie, so many dumb ways to die

Let Rivers head off to the Cats

Have your CEO wear six different hats

Sign Mark Jamar on a three-year deal

Don’t give Mitch Clark’s foot enough time to heal

Dumb ways to die, so many dumb ways to die, dumb ways to di-i-i-ie, so many dumb ways to die

Draft a Morton at number four

Let opponents reach a cricket score

Play footy that’s not particularly bruisy

Then do recovery sessions in a hot jacuzzi

Dumb ways to die, so many dumb ways to die, dumb ways to di-i-i-ie, so many dumb ways to die

Sack Norm Smith without good reason

Rebuild for a twelfth consecutive season

Vote for a merger because autonomy no longer seems desirable to some old men

Keep giving games to a player despite the fact that three minutes after you’d used your first pick in the National Draft on him his father had signed him over to another club on the promise of a disproportionately well-paid job in recruiting and a lifetime supply of watermelon-sized cheese-filled profiteroles and deep fried wedding cakes

They may not rhyme but they’re quite possibly…

…the dumbest ways to die

Dumbest ways to die

Dumbest ways to di-i-i-ie

So many dumb

So many dumb ways to die