Haught

Purveyors of fine sarcasm

Category: Emails

My email to Alan Jones

Last week, the Sydney broadcaster¬†Alan Jones told a gathering that the Prime Minister’s father, who had recently passed away, had…

Read More

My email to Margaret Court

Gay marriage. It’s died down completely as an issue since I wrote this letter to Margaret Court earlier in the…

Read More

My email to some tobacco companies

When you’re feeling vulnerable and confused… when the world has got you down and you don’t know what to do next……

Read More

My email to Hoo haa Bar

While I may be the world’s most promising and precocious literary talent, this doesn’t change the fact that I am as ugly as sin. And I’m not talking about one of the spurious Catholic ones like “original sin” or one of the piss-weak Deadly ones like sloth or gluttony; I’m talking about the absolute shockers like wrath, Avada Kedavra and, by far the worst of all, vanity. (I absolutely abhor arrogance and conceit, and as the owner of a Chapel Street night club, you undoubtedly do too.)

I’m so unattractive, my wife employs a Perseus-style mirror-plated shield when conversing with me. I’m so unattractive, I’m reluctant to have children because I fear that if my son or daughter got my face genes, I’d be dragged to The Hague and charged with crimes against humanity.

Read More

I’ve hit pay dirt… again

Sometimes I receive messages in the spiced ham folder of my email that get me so excited I feel like…

Read More

My email to Weis’ ice creams

…all your products are bloody delicious and the fact you remain an Australian-owned company swells my chest with the kind of green and gold pride that makes me want to look in a mirror and tell myself “Stop puffing out your chest – you look like a wanker and you’re bringing attention to yourself”.

Read More

The #FreeAnnie campaign [VICTORY]

At the end of last month you might recall that I began the #FreeAnnie campaign. If you didn’t catch the…

Read More

THE RESPONSE: My email to Metro Trains

In May I sent an email to Metro Trains. It started out as an opportunity for the Big Blue M…

Read More

A [FAUX] RESPONSE: My email to Metro Trains

Last week I sent an email to Metro Trains. I haven’t yet heard anything back from an official representative, but…

Read More

My email to Metro Trains

I have a back catalogue of unsent Metro Trains complaints that, if put down on paper, scrunched into a ball and launched into space, would quickly begin orbiting the sun and become our solar system’s fourth largest planet.

Read More