My email to Myer

by Haught 1 Comment

Yesterday, the CEO of the department store Myer, Bernie Brooks is said to have told a business conference that an increase in the Medicare levy to help fund the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) would be bad for their business. He said that the $350 per year that an average-income earner would pay towards the NDIS under the proposed funding model “is something they would have spent with us”.

I’m weighing into this discussion relatively late: the response since about 3pm yesterday, on social media and beyond, has been pretty epic. Myer realised this morning that things were getting out of hand and crafted this exemplar of corporate communication, hilariously mentioning that one of the reasons they were opposed to the increase in the levy was that it might lead to “negative consumer sentiment”.

So, belatedly, here’s my email to Myer’s exalted leader:

1,194 views

My email to myki

myki imageIn 2002 the Victorian State Government began to take steps towards changing to a new public transport ticketing system that would replace the distinctly unimpressive (but vaguely stable) Metcard.

The new model would introduce smartcards to Victoria for the first time and, according to those in the know, avert the problems that would come from the impending obsolescence of the previous system.

A zillion dollars and six eons later, myki was finally introduced.

Not one single element of it was inherently better than the Metcard system. It was slower in every regard, not remotely intuitive, riddled with bugs, accompanied by a public information campaign involving gross condescension, and abysmally impractical for visitors to the state.

Smart? It was as dumb as buggery – a veritable imbecile in the pantheon of ticketing systems.

And still is. Very little has changed since its first drunken, wayward, confusing steps. It would look hopelessly out of place in the early 2000s and is hilariously inadequate in the hyper-digital world of 2013.

Since the 29th of December 2012 it has been the single principal ticketing system across Victoria (alongside V-Line tickets) and has proved an utter shambles of a “solution” (as the corporate wankers say these days).… Read the rest

1,355 views

My email to Coles

by Haught 5 Comments

Coles logoHaughtist Elizabeth Campbell wrote a couple of weeks ago imploring me to send an email to Coles on her behalf. She had just had the final straw land upon her back (yes, I am intimating that she is a broken-backed camel): during a visit to a Coles store a few days after Christmas she encountered a veritable Everest of hot cross buns awaiting mindless consumption.

She demanded an explanation from the store manager who gave her the old “I’m just the manager of the entire store” excuse and then came to me.

I’ve been meaning to write to Coles for months and so was happy to oblige.

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My email to KFC

by Haught 6 Comments

KFC

If you take even a vague interest in the cricket, you can’t have missed KFC’s latest television ad campaign involving some people nobody’s ever heard of learning about what constitutes fun in Australia.

Turns out that’s throwing lawn bowls far too fast and bellowing indiscriminately at the cricket.

If you understand what the hell these ads are about please send your analysis through to haughtfeelings@gmail.com

If you’re like me and you’re confounded by what the ads mean or why KFC approved them, read my email to the famous fried chicken experts:

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Resuming normal transmission

Haught hasn’t been running at full capacity recently.

I first knew there was a problem when my daily visitor stats dropped radically. Where once I was getting 3.45 billion visits a day, now I was getting a measly 1.98 billion.

I then started getting emails – up to 9000 a day – asking me whether I’d stopped Haughting. That was ironic, because the whole problem, apparently came from the fact that people weren’t receiving emails from me.

Turns out anyone who’s subscribed to Haught by email (in the “STAY HAUGHTED’ section on the right hand side of the blog) almost certainly hasn’t received a notification email in more than a month.

I have it on good authority that the problem has been fixed, or “solutioned” as some fuckwits say these days.

So this is a little post to say I’m still alive, I’m still riotously funny and here’s what you might have missed:

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My email to Margaret Court

by Haught 9 Comments

Gay marriage. It’s died down completely as an issue since I wrote this letter to Margaret Court earlier in the year, but I thought I’d post it just for shits and giggles.

I don’t know what shits have to do with giggles. Do you? Margaret Court almost certainly does and I deeply regret not asking her what the shits/giggles link is in the below email to her.

Indeed, Margaret knows many things, including that “Australia is on a steep moral decline” and that “Minorities are now making it harder for the majority.”

I recommend reading Margaret’s Herald-Sun magnum opus from January before getting to my frippery:

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My email to some tobacco companies

by Haught 7 Comments

When you’re feeling vulnerable and confused… when the world has got you down and you don’t know what to do next… when you suddenly feel yourself bereft of hope, paddling urgently to keep your head above life’s roiling waters… who do you turn to?

Your parents? Your siblings? Your partner?

I went with three of Australia’s largest cigarette companies:

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My email to Hoo haa Bar

Earlier this month, two young women tried to get into a venue on Melbourne’s Chapel Street by the name of Hoo haa Bar. They happened to be partners. They happened to be holding hands.

The women say that they were not permitted entry, and suspect their sexual orientation had more than a little something to do with it. Several witnesses support their claim.

Of course, it’s all “alleged” at this stage.

What’s not alleged is Hoo haa Bar’s Facebook-page response to the ensuing furore. It’s real and you can read it here.

I get confused, flustered, but ultimately excited when private enterprises show a willingness to respond to questions and criticism. And I feel like I have cola-activated Wizz Fizz in my underpantal region when they choose to play the woe-is-us victim.

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