Before I became a father, when people told me that parenthood was a great educator, I would scoff with the flamboyant malice of a reality dating show villain and walk out of the room.
Since our daughter was born, however, I’ve learnt some important lessons, one of the most vital being that suddenly leaving somebody alone in a room can make them very very upset to the point where they forget to breathe, leak saliva from the mouth and slam half a banana in your eye when you return and try to console them.
It turns out those I had ridiculed were right. Sorry to all of you reading this that I did scoff on.
Many of the things I’ve come to understand since becoming partly responsible for our little marshmallow addict are applicable outside the world of domesticity.
Here are just a few:… Read the restRead More
At my parents’ place.
Me: Hello Lucy. What are you doing? Playing with Duplo?
Me: Can I play as we- Oh. OH! OH MY FUUUUU-
My mum: Oh, don’t be so silly.
Me: WHAT IS IT? Lucy, don’t look.
Mum: It’s Marilyn.… Read the restRead More
The other day my wife, my daughter (Lucy) and I were coming home from a walk. We went via a cricket oval.
It was late afternoon and a game had just finished. We passed the pavilion and began to climb the hill towards our house when we all noticed a cricketer having a wizzle up against a fence of a nearby house.
He wasn’t particularly well hidden – there was just a barely living clump of bush obscuring his dude – but we probably wouldn’t have noticed him had it not been for the fact he was emitting wind with gay abandon.… Read the restRead More
Here’s the ParentHaught story so far:
I’m a father. A year ago, to this day, the stork came. It was 2.30pm on a Sunday. That evening we were cuddling a snowy-haired girl and eating stork for dinner. Well, you know how bad hospital food is.
Anyway, barely a month had passed before colleagues began the inevitable bring-her-into-work campaign.
Although these are dressed up as cuddle-fests, they’re one-baby beauty contests plain and simple. (Hey, I don’t invent society’s perverse and superficial games; I just give you very smart tips on how to make them work in your favour.)… Read the restRead More
I became a father nearly a year ago ago and have learnt much in that time about surviving in my professional life now that my personal life has become coiled tightly around a podgy wriggle-creature with hyperactive salivary glands.
Here are my recommended pre- and post-baby rules.… Read the restRead More