My email to the Marriage Equality Straw Man

marriage equality straw man

Dear Marriage Equality Straw Man,

I have it on good authority that you are being very rude to a group of people who have done not the slightest thing to deserve your animus. 

These people – I’d call them my clients, but I’m working on their behalf without payment or even consent, so that’s probably a very small step too far – merely wish to exercise their democratic right. Their right to deny others rights. 

And dignity. 

And a sense of equality, and so feeling of belonging in society. 

How dare you roll your eyes at their beliefs. How dare you scoff at their values. How dare you spit at their feet just before they lycra up and get sweaty with their cycling chums. How dare you drown out their voices by firing rainbow Kalashnikovs into the sky whenever they begin to proffer their opinion and by sending a glitter-encrusted wrecking ball through the spires and minarets of their places of worship whenever they mention their religious convictions… 

…I’m told…

…I haven’t witnessed any of this first hand. I haven’t heard about it second-hand, actually. But there’s a vague, third-hand sense that it’s happening in a nebulous zone within the inner suburbs of all major cities in Australia.

And the middle suburbs.

And the outer suburbs.

And in the bush.

And in the sea and sky and shit.

And that’s good enough for me. 

This is the behaviour of extremists and it must stop at once. Thankfully, there are far more civilised ways to air your grievances. 

If you really believe that an injustice is being perpetrated, why don’t you…

bring it up with your local member who can then take your concerns to the party room and ultimately vote on the matter in parliament, which is, after all, how our great representative democracy works

quietly go about your business, patiently waiting for community attitudes to change and then, and only then, politely mention it in a library, museum, phone booth or other secular venue

just calm down and let the fine, unprejudiced institutions of law and justice deal with the matter, and the people it affects, directly

hold a bloody parade

just… just… look, who do you think you are, anyway?

Don’t answer. I know who you damn well are. You’re a modern day Voltron. 

You know, Voltron – the 1980s animated cartoon in which robot lions of different colours, which during times of great peril, joined together to create the eponymous Defender of the Universe. You’re a mighty union of interest groups joining forces to crush those with different views to your own. Look at you with your roaring feet and hands, and your impassive automaton face – you’re a disgrace. A giant, collectivised bully standing over a small, stout unaffiliated, non-partisan group of proud and diverse individuals who also happen to be the silent – or rather silenced (remember the flamboyant AK-47s) – majority who all feel exactly the same way about people of the same gender getting hitched. 

Well, Voltron, first I will dismantle your argument and then I will dismantle you. 

Here is your argument: “Oo. Look at us. We’re an unholy alliance of sanctimonious fucks who think we’re more enlightened than you. Our line of reasoning is just a giant raised middle finger. That’s it. We have literally nothing else. Not a single thing.” 

Here is my dismantlement: “Well, if you’re just going to be uncouth and inane, I won’t even present the 145-page document outlining the many thousands of serious and entirely non-discriminatory reasons why two humans should not be equal before the law as recommended by Article 7 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Your loss.” 

On behalf of the huddling, cringing, long-persecuted overwhelming majority of 30-odd percent, consider yourself decommissioned. 

I remain their obedient but unbidden servant,

Jonathan Rivett

PS: If you love marriage equality so much, why don’t you marry it?

Read more Haught emails

…or choose one that takes your fancy from the list below:

My email to Yarra Trams
My email to Metro Trains
My email to Facebook
My email to Microsoft
My email to the Commonwealth Bank
My email to Coles
My (unsent) email to the Victorian Department of Transport
My email to Alan Jones
My email to Kyle Sandilands
My email to Gasp Jeans
My email to Jim Beam
My email to Ben Polis
My email to Hoo haa Bar
My email to Weis’ ice creams
My email to some tobacco companies
My email to Margaret Court
My email to KFC


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