Haught

Purveyors of fine sarcasm

Tag: emails

My email to Ticketek

My email to Ticketek

But your online ticketing system blasted dozens of litres of thick yellow diarrhoea into its own underpants and now many of them don’t have tickets. Probably, some of them don’t have jobs because instead of working today they had to sit on a computer piss-farting around while your website told them various unhelpful and contradictory things that weren’t the truth, i.e. “Oh, pwoah! The system has 48 cubic metres of shit in its boxers. Just like last year. This is going to take at least 45 minutes to clean up.” You might not be familiar with an online ticketing system – it’s a digital platform used for distributing… anyway, never mind. The salient point is yours didn’t work. At all.

Read More
My email to the people of Sydney

My email to the people of Sydney

Yes, what some would call a tropical cyclone of juvenility and amateurism; a shitstorm of lies and arrogance and presumption and quite a lot of shit; a maelstrom of fuckwittery the likes of which only 1970s Queensland could possibly rival; a bubbling fen of idiocy, animated only by the foul gas of a clown drowning in his own ineptitude; a septic tank filled with rank hypocrisy and seven different versions of the truth and then stirred with an ibis’s beak (but which I would call a minor, easily explainable incident) has put tiny Sydney on the world map. 

Read More
My email to the Marriage Equality Straw Man

My email to the Marriage Equality Straw Man

How dare you roll your eyes at their beliefs. How dare you scoff at their values. How dare you spit at their feet just before they lycra up and get sweaty with their cycling chums. How dare you drown out their voices by firing rainbow Kalashnikovs into the sky whenever they begin to proffer their opinion and by sending a glitter-encrusted wrecking ball through the spires and minarets of their places of worship whenever they mention their religious convictions…

Read More

My email to the Commonwealth Bank

I notice you’re in a bit of a jam. You’ve been saying “Can’t” a lot to a lot of people. Which is absolutely fine. You have an insurance arm, and insurers say “Can’t”, “No” and “Get fucked” as a matter of course, but there’s that whole problem of you being the Can bank.

Bugger.

Read More

My email to 7-Eleven

[A] position has recently opened up at the company I founded nearly four years ago. You will have heard of it: Haught Enterprises. It’s now become so large and so successful that I’m looking for a Chief Executive Officer to do what CEOs do… deliver value and drive strategic synergies and warn people against socialism and shit.

Read More

My email to Melburnians

You have no justification for outrage. Outrage is a privilege not an entitlement. It is like 1951 Grange Hermitage. Or dental care. You can’t just have it; you must earn the right to enjoy it.

Read More

My email to The Goodnight Society

Thank you for quietly intervening to fix up Australia Post’s mess, even after being expressly told that wasn’t necessary. Thank you for making jarmies that aren’t drenched in the sweat of 12 year old workers plying their trade in crumbling Bangladesh buildings. Thank you for doing something thoroughly warm-hearted when today most people are blown away when companies display anything remotely approaching basic decency. Thank you for throwing margins out the window to make a new customer feel loved. Thank you with all the sincerity that a 32 year old curmudgeon can muster.

Read More

My email to Facebook

Facebook, I’m not a greedy man. I’m humble blogger. Some would say the best humble blogger in the southern hemisphere, but let’s not quibble over whether I’m the best, second best or third best. The point is I am a humble blogger with a modest goal: I merely want to scatter my iconic brand of highly literate sarcasm to the adoring public like sunflower seeds to ecstatic crimson rosellas…

Read More

Emoticons: an exchange

Sit down. I need to talk with you about something. No, sit on the chair the right way round, please…

Read More

My email to Connex

If you’re a relative newcomer to Haught, you might not know that before I was writing immaculately worded emails to…

Read More