My email to Ticketek

by Haught 2 Comments

Dear Ticketek,

Last week the football club I support reached the AFL finals for the first time in what seemed like a geologic eon. You might not be familiar with the AFL or Australian rules football – it’s the top league of a sport played in… anyway, never mind. The salient point is that I really wanted those tickets.

Lots of people did. Good, upstanding Melbourne supporters. And bad, disreputable non-Melbourne supporters. But many of them people who have been turning up every week this season to watch their team play. And not just this year. And not just this decade. 

But your online ticketing system blasted dozens of litres of thick yellow diarrhoea into its own underpants and now many of them don’t have tickets. Probably, some of them don’t have jobs because instead of working today they had to sit on a computer piss-farting around while your website told them various unhelpful and contradictory things that weren’t the truth, i.e. “Oh, pwoah! The system has 48 cubic metres of shit in its boxers. Just like last year. This is going to take at least 45 minutes to clean up.” You might not be familiar with an online ticketing system – it’s a digital platform used for distributing… anyway, never mind.

Read the rest
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My email to the people of Sydney

Sydney, home to Ferry McFerryface

Yesterday, it came to light that a $100,000 public competition to name Sydney’s new harbour ferries had been overridden by the minister in charge of public transport, who had ignored the people’s wishes and chosen to call a boat Ferry McFerryface

The statutory authority responsible for public transport in New South Wales warned the minister of “satirical naming campaigns” and the “the highly publicised mishaps in the naming of ships in other jurisdictions” many months before the vote. They apparently went about creating a competition that “mitigated” such risks.

And it worked. 

The names of notable people were far more popular than the highly original joke namesCatherine Hamlin, Fred Hollows, Victor Chang, Pemulwuy and Bungaree were selected for five of the six new ferries. Ian Kiernan received more than 2000 votes and was told he would also have his name grace a ferry, but this decision was suddenly changed when the New South Wales Transport Minister, Andrew Constance, took it upon himself to choose Ferry McFerryface, a name that had received just 182 votes.

Channel 9 undertook a freedom of information investigation and now the story’s all out in the open and the Ferry McFerryface name is getting the arse.… Read the rest

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My email to the Marriage Equality Straw Man

by Haught 0 Comments

marriage equality straw man

Dear Marriage Equality Straw Man,

I have it on good authority that you are being very rude to a group of people who have done not the slightest thing to deserve your animus. 

These people – I’d call them my clients, but I’m working on their behalf without payment or even consent, so that’s probably a very small step too far – merely wish to exercise their democratic right. Their right to deny others rights. 

And dignity. 

And a sense of equality, and so feeling of belonging in society. 

How dare you roll your eyes at their beliefs. How dare you scoff at their values. How dare you spit at their feet just before they lycra up and get sweaty with their cycling chums. How dare you drown out their voices by firing rainbow Kalashnikovs into the sky whenever they begin to proffer their opinion and by sending a glitter-encrusted wrecking ball through the spires and minarets of their places of worship whenever they mention their religious convictions… … Read the rest

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My email to Arnott’s

by Haught 2 Comments
Image by: penguincakes, flickr

Image by: penguincakes, flickr

 

Last week, someone contacted me.

The end.

Not really. That was a little joke.

The person who contacted me was Haughtmaniac, Andrea Chick.

She wrote:

Are you familiar with Arnott’s BBQ Shapes? Of course you are! Who hasn’t copped a mouthful of red and green sprinkles as they dived in for the last remaining morsels in the bottom of the bag?

Have you had one lately?

They are NEW AND IMPROVED! Well, at least that is what they say on the pack. New, yes. Improved…um…well there appears to be revulsion and revolt afoot from the feedback I have read on the Arnott’s Shapes facebook page.

Please help Arnott’s. Please help us all.

I considered myself commissioned.

Unfortunately, I didn’t put the email together as quickly as I should have and in the intervening period, the Great Shapes War of 2016 had already been fought and won – or in Arnott’s case, lost.

I decided it was better to write late than never.

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My email to 7-Eleven

by Haught 0 Comments

The 7-eleven logo (the 7 stands for how many dollars workers brings home per month)

 

Last year, the ABC and Fairfax investigated 7-Eleven in Australia and found that they systematically underpaid workers.

Yesterday the law firm representing many of these employees revealed that one of those workers – Sohail – was paid $325 for about 685 hours of work at a store in Sydney.

That works out to a pay rate of 47 cents per hour.

In other words, when you went into the 7-Eleven in question and paid $8.50 for a raspberry Weis’ you were generously contributing to half of Sohail’s weekly salary. Or, if you bought “coffee”, for two hours of his labour.

(Unless 7-Eleven were underpaying and overworking their staff, which would seem to be highly unlikely and would throw my maths out.)

Anyway, I wrote an email to them.


Dear 7-Eleven Senior Executives,

I usually write very serious emails to companies and people, but this one is a little bit mischievous (as well as sincere and in parts). I hope you don’t mind and take it in the spirit it’s intended.

You see, a position has recently opened up at the company I founded nearly four years ago. You will have heard of it: Haught Enterprises. It’s now become so large and so successful that I’m looking for a Chief Executive Officer to do what CEOs do… deliver value and drive strategic synergies and warn people against socialism and shit.Read the rest

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My email to the National Rifle Association

by Haught 1 Comment

NRA]

G’day National Rifle Association,

I’m writing to you because I feel a great injustice is being perpetrated against you by my compatriots.

You see, I live in Australia. As you now well know, in 1996 the Prime Minister of Australia responded to a massacre in which a man murdered 35 people using semi-automatic weapons by implementing the National Firearms Agreement, which broadly restricted citizens’ use of a particular range of guns. As you also know, whenever someone goes on a gun rampage in the United States, people begin to discuss gun control and point to Australia as a radiant example of the good that can come of a government depriving the public of a right to bear certain arms.

Indeed, most Australians are extremely proud of the fact our country hasn’t had a case of gun-related multiple murder since the Agreement was introduced. Some Australians even mock the United States, and your organisation particularly, for your intransigent attitude and your preoccupation with the Second Amendment to your Constitution.

They use appalling terms like “psychotically and sickeningly deranged loons”, “miscreant black-hats of yesteryear”, “exemplars of deluded God-fearing America”, “pump action degenerates”, “constitutional terrorists and derelicts who use propaganda to hold a country hostage via a corrupt political system”, “trigger-happy shit pouches”, “powder-stick clutching codgers”, “belligerent dickbiscuits”, “arsey cunt-wibbles”, “a mass indistinguishable from the contents of a one year old’s nappy after consumption of half a kilo of sultanas”, “toxic, turgid cloacas of the apocalypse”, “suburban frontiersmen open carrying in McDonalds”, “anal swabs from the last leper in hell”, “obdurate brittledicks”, “a group of self-proclaimed realists obsessed with an imaginary deity and 220 year-old laws”, “antiquated redcoat-fighting wannabes”, “hooting, honking sociopaths”, “gun rooting fanatics”, “a giant group of old men grasping at their last vestiges of virility”, “shamelessly insensitive arse spores”, “the dregs of humanity, hiding their sexual repression behind camouflage and standard issue goatees”, “the rotting barnacles of humanity”, “shitcunts” and so on and so forth.… Read the rest

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My email to Melburnians

by Haught 0 Comments

Dear Melburnians,

I’m writing to you to express my abject disgust at what you have done today.

How dare you take to the streets – and to the gutter that is social media – and bring to a humiliating stop a perfectly legitimate operation with a name inexplicably taken from World War II involving a paramilitary entity blessed by at least one god and which at one stage had one of the greatest corporate logos known to humankind.

You bastards. Read the rest

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My email to The Goodnight Society

goodnight card

For Mother’s Day I decided to get my wife some pyjamas. I did my online research, found a company by the name of The Goodnight Society and, with plenty of time to spare before the 10th of May, I bought some sleepwear.

It never arrived.

Australia Post told me they’d delivered it weeks before Mother’s Day so I got in contact with The Goodnight Society by email. A woman by the name of Kathryn Tyrrell, whom I later found out is the founder of the company, confirmed that they had delivered the clothes to the correct address shortly after I’d ordered them.

Minutes later she followed up with this:

Hi again!

I’m worried about leaving you in the lurch for Mother’s Day if the parcel has gone missing! Do you want me to get another set in tonight’s express post while we see if the other one can be tracked down?

Cheers

What a lovely offer, I thought. And how entirely unfair that a small business should have to make up for the mistakes of another, much larger organisation. So I thanked Kathryn, declined and pursued Australia Post.… Read the rest

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My email to Facebook

by Haught 20 Comments

My email to Facebook

If you’re one of the people who follows me on Facebook (thanks by the way), chances are you almost certainly don’t see every one of my posts – or more to the point, don’t even get the opportunity to see all of them. There’s also quite a good chance you get the chance to see fewer than half. In fact there’s some chance you see none at all and you’re reading this post because you also follow me on a more dependable service like Twitter, Google+ or email.

And it shits me up the wall.

This Guardian article gives a really good summary of how and why it happens. It also reveals that I’m by no means the first person who’s thought of writing a letter to Facebook about this very topic. (But let’s be honest, blogging smart-arse emails was never sparklingly original, anyway.)

Anyway, I wrote one. It’s undoubtedly my most self-indulgent, tangential and metaphorically jumbled yet. You’ll bloody love it.… Read the rest

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